he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
