In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
