after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
