Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
His hands were made for my vagina.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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