i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
