dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
