every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
