I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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