Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
