last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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