Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
