It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
