So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'm at about main and main street
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
