my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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