are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
He passed out mid-signature
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
