Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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