I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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