Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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