I just saw a hot homeless man
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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