I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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