I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
The best revenge is premature balding
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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