I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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