how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
