erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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