I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
