Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
