If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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