and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
