I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
