I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
