at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
she pinky promised me she was 18
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
