woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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