I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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