the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
