this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
