my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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