i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize