The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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