So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
