Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Randomize
