I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
