My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize