im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
