Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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