i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
