Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
