That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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