I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
