Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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