i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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