You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Randomize
