i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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