Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
