yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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