I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
