Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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