***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize