If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
