That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
