Are we in a gay sports bar?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
